Sunday, January 24, 2010

Charter Story

I drove a bus for one person.

I showed up to drive this charter I had signed up for and, lo and behold, there was no record that I had signed up, and another driver was present and ready to work. So we had to fight it out to the death by the diesel pumps, and I won. (Actually, we were told that one of us could stay and drive it and get paid two hours, and the other could go home and get paid two hours anyway. So did I really win?)

The instructions for the charter involved four buses starting at a local hotel, sitting there for 30 minutes, and then taking the group somewhere else in town. Perhaps it's wasteful to have a bunch of buses idling for half an hour, but we do as we're told. When the people started coming out, I headed to my bus to crank the heat back up. It seemed to be running awfully smoothly, I thought, then realized that the bus was not, in fact, running. This is not a fuel-saving feature; apparently this bus just shuts off sometimes.

I got it going again and waited for passengers. They were loading the buses from last to first, since the last bus was closest to the building they were coming from. I was the first bus. Finally, the contact person for the event came up to my doors. I was guessing she'd ask me to wait for stragglers or tell me my bus wasn't needed.

"It looks like I might have my own bus!" she said.


Off we went, four buses with 34 seats each, mine with 33 empty. I drive because I like it, so it wasn't really a problem, but it just seemed a little silly. I hope she enjoyed having a few minutes away from her group to get some phone calls made.

So in the end, there were two drivers, each getting paid for two hours, to serve one person. In terms of passengers per hour, this one ranks right up there with the time I drove for a football game that involved sitting on the bus during the whole game and carrying a total of three passengers after it ended.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Inspirational Hobo

He got on with a brown bag of chicken nuggets, wearing a puffy coat and an oversize beanie. I was sitting shotgun, having just gotten off my block, chatting with the driver about how long it was. He sat down and jerkily swept his eyes around the bus. He wasn't the kind to make trouble, but he wanted someone to talk at, and neither the driver nor I wanted to win that lottery. We continued the conversation as the other passengers shifted away or eyed the man as if he was going to be the one to sell their children crank when they were old enough to light matches.

"Can you tell me," he grunt-yelled, "how tah get to the Ehmmeht Ivy Gahrage?" Thank god - a normal question, and one we could answer. "Well sir, this bus will take you -" she was cut off: "Nah! Nah now, I need to go to JPJ." " just came from JPJ." Nah, uh, you know wha, what I do...[muttering loudly] you're never to old for an education! You don't think you're too old to be, ug. educated?" He paused, waiting for a response. I assumed he was drinking heavily, a 10-151 from the bag in his hand, but as the driver and I choked back stifled and kind of nervous laughter, telling him it probably didn't matter, he began eating chicken nuggets which he pulled from the bag in his lap. He started rambling something incoherent about the education system and must've gotten so caught up he forgot he was eating, because he started spraying chicken nuggets while he was talking. It was pretty disgusting, but I almost cracked up when I saw the driver, who looked she didn't know whether she wanted to cry or slap him. "Lemme out here!" he screeched suddenly, somewhere before the EIG. The driver gladly stopped the bus and he shuffled off. She turned to me and put her hand on her face, exasperated, only to discover a piece of chicken nugget there.

Ever since then I've never cursed a quiet ride ride, however long it is.

Friday, January 8, 2010


One night I had an older gentleman on the bus, rambling about all of the moral decay he sees around the University today, and that things were different when he was a student back in the 70s. He then proceeds to tell a story about hooking up with a woman in a hotel room after doing cocaine together. He says, leaning in close, "Cocaine is an aphrodisiac. Do you know what an aphrodisiac is?" He then leaned back, shuddered, and concluded his story with, "There are more natural ways to be with a woman."

Most Useless Bus Driver Ever

I was driving a wedding charter and this guy came up to ask me if I can give him a ride. "Can you take me to the Cav Inn right now? No one can see me hook up with this chick. She is kinda fat... I'll pay you $20." I said, "Sorry, I can't." He then asked, "Well, what about if I give you $40?" I said, "I really can't. I need to make a run soon." "Okay, I have $87. That's all I have in my pocket." Then another driver on the charter says he can do it. A few minutes later he comes back and apparently decided that the moment has passed. He then asks me if I have cigarettes. Since I quit the week before, I said "No. I am really sorry but I quit." He replied "You are the most useless bus driver ever."

Old Dumb Bitch

So this happened today on Block 6 roughly 12:00

I have made my stop at Shamrock and am trying to ease back into traffic when my actions are hindered by a shiny new lexus driven by some old dumb bitch who is coming to stop at the intersection of JPA and Shamrock. I was trying to figure out what the dumb bitch was doing... i realized she stopped at the flashing yellow lights to look both ways before proceeding through the intersection... I should have rammed her with my bus.

David Talmage

Today David Talmage gave a lecture to the trainees. fml